Today I have so many things going through my head its kind of annoying. I want to write but I can’t seem to pin-point what I want to write about. Sometimes when this happens I wind up writing lyrics or poetry…
W R I T E
I dont know what the words are gonna be
I gotta listen to my heart
I just gotta be me
I don’t always know where to start
I just know I gotta W R I T E
Thats what has gotta be
W R I T E
Some point I am gonna see
The right words to make that hook
I dont know whats gonna be
But I won’t be afraid to look.
So today I was talking to my mother about how my sister is coping with my RSD. Sometimes its hard to see that when you are experiencing something serious the people you love experience it as well. They experience confusion, fear, frustration, and concern. This happens especially when you have a family as close as mine is.
I knew my sister felt bad and gets frustrated because she doesn’t understand specifically what I’m going through. The thing is that is how it works out. I can tell you but its a very personal thing and she should know this fact better than anyone. And I know that every one is affected by this.
At the beginning when I first got back to New York and Connecticut I was in pretty bad shape. At times I felt guilty and like a burden, feeling like I turned every one in my family’s lives upside down. This is what my family does though, we love each other and we do all we can for each other.
When my mom told me today about my sister feeling frustrated and wants to understand RSD more she had said she wanted to talk to my therapist who helps me deal and who happens to have RSD herself. Here is the thing, if you are in chronic constant pain trying to cope you want to do anything to escape and let it feel better, that is one of the things I am working on.
I am working on myself, and my sister, my father, and my mother, needs to work on their stuff. I accept that frustration is sometimes the way they let out their emotion on this whole thing. It is what it is. I can not and will not compromise myself. Hopefully that doesn’t sound too harsh, but literally it is not something I can do. Its not that I don’t feel bad to have that affect on any one. However, if I am in pain, than I am in pain, and I try to get through it the best I can for myself. I do not and can not worry about frustration some one else feels because of my pain.